雙語閱讀：容忍也是一種錯(cuò)
Over the last few years, as I've grown spiritually, I've discovered that letting others hurt me, and excusing them, hurt them as well. My intentions were to make them feel better about themselves. I was trying to reflect the Divinity within me by loving unconditionally. When my friends would snap at me, I'd tell myself they didn't mean it, that they were simply unhappy. Returning anger and hatred with love and compassion, I let my friends treat me like dirt because I knew they were wounded. I wanted them to heal, and thought my loving them unconditionally would initiate the healing. It never did. It just encouraged them to remain wounded and lashing out at me.
In co-dependency terms, this is called “enabling.” Some time back, when I was told that it wasn't my role to be their whipping boy, I countered with “But, we're supposed to turn the other cheek. Give the shirt off our backs. Love unconditionally. Be nonjudgmental.” As time went on, I finally realized that I wasn't helping them by letting them hurt me. I was enabling them to remain the same, and continue treating me with disrespect because they knew they could.
I wasn't creating any urgency for them to heal. And sooner or later, they were going to get a cosmic two-by-four up side the head to force them to begin the healing process. The longer they continued their behavior, the worse their eventual crisis would be. I was actually contributing to their woundedness by not setting any limits. I needed to value myself enough to stop them devaluing me. As I began to cherish my well being, and counter their humiliations, my life began to improve overall.
I know I'm not alone in the struggle between loving others unconditionally and loving myself. Many of the people I meet, and my clients, struggle with this, too. How can we balance our spirituality with insisting someone treat us with honor? With God as a loving Presence, God accepts all that we do without judgement. As we try to emulate that aspect of God, we forget that God doesn't protect us from the consequences of our actions.
If we step on a rake, we get to experience the rake hitting us in the face. We learn from that to be careful around rakes. God doesn't stop the rake from hitting us, but if we ask for help in healing our bruised face, God is there to heal us. That is why there is cause and effect. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is to help us learn from our mistakes.
The core of this is, God doesn't enable. The Universe is constantly growing and expanding. Unless we do the same, we get prodded along. Cosmic two-by-fours whack us. When you allow people to put you down, humiliate you, belittle you, then you are contributing to making their inevitable consequences harder for them. Universal laws will eventually pull them up short, and the more they've run roughshod over peoples' lives, the harder their lesson is going to be.
By setting boundaries, you are growing in love. Love of self, and loving the other person enough to put a stop to their breaking Universal Laws of compassion. Love them enough to allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. That's the only way any of us learn. In that way, you are emulating high spiritual qualities and reflecting the unconditionally loving Divine Presence within you.
過去幾年里，隨著心理的逐漸成熟，我發(fā)現(xiàn)，如果任由他人傷害自己，還替他們辯解，也會(huì)同樣傷害他們。我原來是希望他們能夠自己醒悟，因而努力以無條件的愛來表現(xiàn)內(nèi)心盡善盡美的神意。當(dāng)朋友怒氣沖沖地指責(zé)我時(shí)，我會(huì)對(duì)自己說他們不是有意的，他們只是不開心。我以愛和同情心回報(bào)朋友的憤怒和怨恨，任由朋友們視我如草芥，因?yàn)槲抑浪麄兊男撵`受到了傷害，我希望他們能痊愈。我認(rèn)為自己賦予他們的無條件的愛能起到療傷的作用，卻從未奏效。他們的傷勢(shì)依舊，而且因?yàn)槭艿焦膭?lì)更加無情地攻擊我。
在互相依賴地情況下，這叫“賦能”。過去有段時(shí)間，只要有人對(duì)我說，做他們的替罪羊不是我的責(zé)任，我就反駁道，“可是，我們應(yīng)該容忍，應(yīng)該慷慨大方，應(yīng)該無條件地愛，應(yīng)該客觀地評(píng)判。”隨著時(shí)間的推移，我終于認(rèn)識(shí)到，任由他們傷害自己，不是在幫助他們，而是在賦予他們一如既往，繼續(xù)無禮地對(duì)待我的權(quán)力，因?yàn)樗麄冎缹?duì)我無禮沒關(guān)系。
我沒有讓他們意識(shí)到需要和解的急迫性。而他們遲早會(huì)分清是非，迫使自己開始設(shè)法和解。他們的這種行為持續(xù)的時(shí)間越長(zhǎng)，最終的結(jié)果越危險(xiǎn)。我沒有阻止他們，實(shí)際上就是傷害了他們。我應(yīng)該充分地尊重自己，以阻止他們繼續(xù)貶低自己。于是，我開始珍惜自己的幸福，而且駁回他們的羞辱，從此我的生活得到了全面改善。
我知道，不只我自己在無條件地愛別人和愛自己之間舉棋不定。我遇到的.很多人，包括我的顧客，也為此而與自己的良心做著斗爭(zhēng)。我們堅(jiān)持讓別人尊重自己，又如何平衡自己的心靈呢?上帝是愛的典范，他不加評(píng)判地接受我們所做的一切，而當(dāng)我們努力效仿上帝的高姿態(tài)時(shí)，卻忘了上帝對(duì)我們行動(dòng)的后果并不負(fù)責(zé)任。
如果我們踩上一把耙子，就會(huì)得到耙子打在臉上的教訓(xùn)，由此懂得看到耙子要小心。上帝并不能阻止耙子打擊我們，不過，如果我們?cè)谥委熓軅哪槙r(shí)請(qǐng)求幫助，上帝會(huì)幫助我們。這就是有因有果的原因。對(duì)于任何行動(dòng)，都會(huì)有相同或?qū)α⒌姆磻?yīng)，使我們得以從錯(cuò)誤中吸取教訓(xùn)。
其精髓在于，上帝不允許。宇宙在不斷地成長(zhǎng)壯大。除非我們也隨之成長(zhǎng)壯大，不然就會(huì)受到激勵(lì)。違背直覺就會(huì)受到沉重的打擊。如果你允許人們奚落你，羞辱你，貶低你，那么，你就是在協(xié)助他們讓不可避免的惡果帶給他們更冷酷的打擊。自然規(guī)律最終會(huì)令他們突然停下來，他們?cè)綗o情地對(duì)待別人，自己得到的教訓(xùn)就越嚴(yán)重。
設(shè)定界線，你就會(huì)在愛中成長(zhǎng)。愛自己，也愛他人，足以阻止他人打破同情的自然規(guī)律。愛他們足以讓他們感受到自己的行為產(chǎn)生的后果。這是我們每個(gè)人接受教訓(xùn)的唯一的方式。這樣一來，你提高了心理素質(zhì)，也就反映出神圣臨在你內(nèi)心的無條件的愛。
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